Pickled Politeness

The British standard for politeness continues to fascinate me. They are world renown for their etiquette, famous for their manners, but I had no idea to what degree. I thought New Yorkers were courteous (I know some of you reading this find that shocking. Just because New Yorkers avoid eye contact and wear black all the time doesn’t make them mean. They’re quite gracious, if you ask nicely…), but the Brits invented courtesy, evidently.

One telling example occurred just the other morning while I was out to breakfast. Only a few tables away sat an older couple, well into their 70s, and their marriage not too much younger. Normally, in the states, a couple of this caliber would not be sharing a pleasant breakfast. In fact they probably wouldn’t be sharing anything more than the morning paper, much less a bed. But this British couple seemed exceedingly and perpetually happy. Which is why it was so disorienting to see them bicker! Right there, at the table! But the wake of this argument was perhaps the most disarming of all. In the aftermath of the squabble I witnessed, the couple's happiness was unfailingly resurrected by civility. The encounter went something like this:

"Phyllis, is thaat the laast slice of toast you’re eating?"
"Yes, Gerald. You mustn’t fuss – if you want some ‘ore will get a bit more."
"Wewl, you don’t really need it, do you now?"
"Don’t taulk to me like thaat Gerald!"
"Apologies, daahling. Would you like me to top off your tea?"
"Lovely. Thank you dear."

Just like that. Bloody brilliant. How come New Yorkers haven’t picked up on this? We still indulge ourselves in the back-biting dramatics of a strung out altercation. Partially, I would imagine, because it’s entertaining, but what a waste of energy! If we invested half of that energy into something productive, like, oh I don't know... personal finance, we wouldn't be in the throes a recession right now (you heard it - straight from the horse's mouth). Next time I slight someone passive-aggressively, I'm going to suggest we just have tea and drop it.

There was another encounter, however, that makes me wonder if the British are almost too polite, to their own detriment. You remember my friend, the electrician, who failed to show up to my flat at the scheduled time. Well I contacted him yesterday to confront him about exactly what happened…

"I’m terrifically sorry, Katie. I actually showed up a bit early but you weren’t there and I really had to get on my way to the hospital. I just got a call, you see, and it looks like my brother who has been quite ill is not going to make it through the night. Can I call you tomorrow to reschedule?"

Um… I’m an asshole. Naturally I profusely apologized and insisted he take his time. Who needs electricity anyway?

But what is he doing picking up the phone?! You’re brother is on his deathbed, Guy, this is no time to be doing business with some measly customer who wasn’t even at the house when you arrived. Do you see what I mean? In New York, that scenario would have played out differently - the electrician would never have answered... or if he did, I probably would have received an earful of four-letter words and would've been called all kinds of nouns... What a fascinating culture...

Hmm. I just had a thought. Maybe it is not that Brits are so polite to a fault… but maybe, their politeness may just be a highly evolved tact fermented over years and years to become a mechanism that makes the other party feel like an enormous jerk! How shrewd, Britain! Well played.